Backed Out

I emailed the clinic last Thursday, after reading all the comments from Tertia's blog. I very apologetically told them basically the same thing I told you. I said I had agreed so quickly because I really cared about the recipients and their desire to have a family, but after a week of considering it and being full of anxiety, I knew that I was mentally and physically incapable of enduring another cycle. I said I really struggled to decide this, that I knew it would cause a lot of heartache, but I felt that I should back out.

They didn't contact me for 4 days. Then today, they called. They talked to the recipient family this morning. The recipients said that it was perfectly ok to back out, that it was a long shot anyway, that I was a wonderful human being, that every day they thought of the wonderful gift I'd given them, and that having an only child was perfectly ok.

I cried with relief. I would have been relieved to not do this cycle no matter what, but knowing that I hadn't completely crushed a family I've never met but still care about makes me feel much better. As of today, my profile has been officially retired at the clinic, so I won't be getting myself into a situation like this again.

So I'm retired. That's great. This is a dramatic close to an important part of my life.

I talked to hundreds of people...

Tertia did a post for me about my situation.

The comments were very supportive coming from both sides. Of course, the negative ones are a bit hard to take. A number of people said I should have thought more about this before agreeing. The thing is, I had been considering doing another donation. I was struggling with it because of all the reasons that make me so reluctant now, but I had been considering it in the abstract. When the clinic called, I had two impulses. First was that I had been considering it, so I could probably handle it. The second was that I basically had no right to deny these people a full genetic sibling to their first child. If the clinic hadn't mentioned that part of it when we talked, I probably would have said no. Even going into this with some reservations, I had no idea my reaction would be so strong after agreeing. Even as I debated the posibility of another donation in my head, I never thought I would have this kind of anxiety.

I think toward the end of the last donation, I realized a few things. First, I am really terrified that my family will find out about this. I can see it ruining a relationship there. This is my decision, not their business, and I feel fine keeping it from them. I just want it kept. The other much stronger problem is that one of these children/parents might try to track me down. My anonymity in this process is the absolute most important thing to me. Just the fact that there are some documented records out there that could reveal this information is awful to think about.

So I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I guess I'd better hurry up and make a decision.

Very very stressed

The fertility center called last week and asked me to do another donation. I would have said no right off - I am very busy with work, I need to run to keep my sanity, and after the weeks of sobbing with the last one, I know that it will really mess me up. My ex husband who was so supportive is also not here now, so I'll be completely on my own.

But the couple are people who were recipients previously. Their FET failed and they want another donation to have a sibling of the child they had from my first donation. I felt like I couldn't say no to that.


Every time I think about this cycle, I am seized with anxiety. A deep physical reaction. Everything in me is screaming "no, not again" except for this sense of moral obligation. The cycle is scheduled for October. I just don't know what to do.