Taking a break

I'm in the midst of a donation cycle right now. Retrieval will be October 4th. I have another one scheduled to follow immediately after that, probably with a retrieval in early December. After that, I need a break.

I had a couple months of no retrieval this summer, but by the time this is done in december I will have been doing egg donations basically non-stop for 2 years. It's starting to get trying.

It is not the clinic - I love them dearly. They are one of the most supportive groups of people I know. I miss them when I'm not down there.

It's certainly not a moral thing. I love the thought of all these people having babies and the fact that I can help them.

It's partially a practical thing. Since I'm getting divorced, the logistics are a bit harder. My husband is taking me to this retrieval, and probably the one after that (thank god we still get along well enough to do these things for each other). But we have very separate lives at this point, and I cannot rely on him to drop everything because I have a retrieval, let alone if I feel like crap the next day and need to be driven somewhere. Those were things he would have done at the drop of a hat before - and I love him for that - but he has his own life now that is a lot harder to interrupt for me.

But mostly, it's just a burnout thing. I'm very tired of worrying about OHSS. I had it the first time, and it really fucked up my life for a while. I know the chance is small that it will happen again, but the possibility and planning for how I will handle it if it happens is wearing on me. More than that, I am very tired of adjusting my life for almost a month around the retrieval. I can handle the shots, but I hate having to stop running. If you're not a runner like me, this might not make sense. I go to bed thinking about when I can run the next day; how far I'm going to go; if I can maybe fit in two runs; if I will go down to the trails or if I will stay around my house; etc. It is the highlight of my day to get out and run. On top of that, I love running the marathons and half marathons, and I miss one for basically every egg cycle. I'm missing one in a couple weeks because of this retrieval. I missed one in the spring. I missed one last fall. There are easily 4 big races, and half a dozen small ones that I would have run if I hadn't been stimulating or recovering post-retrieval. What makes it worse is that I WANT to run, and I feel fine running at those times, but the danger of twisting an ovary is big enough that I'm just not allowed. That means I am miserable for two or three weeks around each retrieval because I can't do the one thing I want.

I'm tired of the birth control pills. I feel so much better when I'm off them. I'm tired of wondering about getting puffy with water weight around the retrieval. I'm tired of having this part of my life that I can't discuss with my family and that I have to work to keep them from knowing about. I'm tired of driving an hour each way to the clinic for every appointment. I'm tired of having to get up 3 or 4 hours earlier than my normal time to make the appointments. I'm REALLY tired of them getting bumped from 10am to 7:30am on Sundays because someone decided that was a better time.

In short, I'm burnt out. I'm at the point where the only thing that makes me consider doing another one is the money, and that's bad. I don't do this for the money, though it is really useful. I don't want it to be about the money, but I'm about at that point. So I need to stop.